i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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