3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
