I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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