that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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