i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
