i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
