I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
