Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize