i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
