just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
