his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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