the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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