Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
