I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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