I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
