He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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