You're my little dorito
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
