I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize