don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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