i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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