How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
