why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
