I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
