whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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