dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
