I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
