I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
