Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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