did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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