I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
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