my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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