I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
