you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
