I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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