hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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