he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
