Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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