i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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