Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
