non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
