How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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