He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
