I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize