I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
