Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
