i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I lost the right to judge tonight
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
