I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
