Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
