last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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