Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
