I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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