I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
