Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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