You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He has the fingertips of a God
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