i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
