it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
