If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
