i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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