Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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