Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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