now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
