Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
