My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
