he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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