She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We need a shit load of segways right now
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
