if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
